Hello Lovelies. I haven't blogged since November 16. And I'm not going to start tonight. It is my husband's 46th birthday after all. So why am I on FB, thinking I am going to update you? Well, it's multi-layered. But the bottom line is, he is at soccer with the 13yo and I just told the 16yo to go to the movies with his friend. Because I need a mulligan tonight. And actually, I told my husband that last night, too, so I'm not sure tonight's counts. But here's the reality. This week has been pretty brutal...
I probably shouldn't write this on the Internet. And someone once accused me of writing for therapy instead of publishing, which I still feel the sting of, because it must mean I'm not a real writer. But the truth is, blogging is so much better than all the other ways to get. it. out. What's his name said, "Write drunk, edit sober." But the reality is, bloggers don't have time to edit. It's part of the reason I haven't posted in almost a month. So this one is pretty real, off-the-cuff. Cuz I need the therapy and don't have time for editing. But here it is, none-the-less.
I did something really stupid.
I lost my doctor about six months ago. And my new doctor's (assistant) recommended I change medications. For whatever reason, the new meds sat in my detail box for months and months. But last weekend I decided, maybe now's the time.
Several days in, I am thinking, "WTF??" WHY would I do this in my most stressful month of the year and stressful week of the month? WHY?
Well, because that's how things tend to work for Jenny. She rarely does things half-way.
Withdrawal is difficult. It affects sleep, concentration, appetite, and verbal skills. I have gone through it since puberty. You would think I know better. But here's the reality. Life just moves along. Any time is lousy. There are always stresses. I am a mother of three teens. Oy vey!
Oh, and my husband has been out of work for more than a month. Yes, there is that, too.
It is times like this that I feel like it is a miracle I am not 300 pounds. Where I am is just fine, considering.
But, I digress. It has been a difficult week. I work for a supervisor now. With a team. My withdrawal has to be a little more hidden than staying in my pajamas and binge-watching, "Friends". (Hey! I was in the circle of hell reserved for "better-than-you-are" evangelicals in the 90s. I have much pop culture to catch up on.) So I have gotten up before light and prepared myself for relational-and detail-oriented work for four mornings this week. Yes, this would also be the week after the weekend where my husband cooked for 300+ people. P.S. Working mothers, may I again kiss your feet?
AND, things happened to people I care about. I can't say specifics here on the blog because of their need for confidentiality. But their things? They matter to me. I can barely help it. I'm a two. ;)
But this week has included: multiple family birthdays. It has also included co-workers exceptional needs, my son coming home for Christmas from college for the first time, my husband needing to make a difficult decision about his career (not over yet), and again, me showing up for work each day. Even though I could have called in sick with great support and understanding, I'm not quite ready. I am the newbie still.
But I am in withdrawal.
And it is Advent. We are not supposed to be burnt out by Christmas music and champagne (for lack of a better analogy) by Christmas. We are meant to wait in the dark for the arrival of the light of Christmas. For me, it's a baby born in the manger. (American Christians are terrible wait-ers, but that's another post.). It is not the magic of Christmas' fault that my life-partner and first-born were both conceived in March.
What do you need extra belief for this season? It's the question I've been asking as people enter my office and smell the pine cones. Their wishes are tucked amongst the cinnamon fragrance. I am taking "prayer requests" without taking prayer requests (G-d forbid).
I need extra belief that my husband will land the right job. I need extra belief that a Christmas morning with three teens can still be magical. I need extra belief that I can celebrate December birthdays imperfectly. And I need extra belief that my health will be okay.
Advent: The season for wait-ers. I am with you in your need for extra belief.
'Tis the season for withdrawal.